Ugh, depression caught up with me so for a few days I literally went around college crying almost constantly. Which was quite unfortunate since I'm a girl who's really quite fond of eye make up.
The resmbelance between Alice Cooper and myself at that time was quite uncanny.
Don't ask me what about. It's everything. I got shitty grades, then panicked because I'm shit at everything except singing which isn't classed as a real career and is shit hard to get into when you a girl, and so concluded that I have no future. I've also let my parents down. I hate that. I hate feeling like they're not proud of me. I'm meant to be the smart one. Roy's the computor one, Freddies the family one, Kevin's the Marine one, Sasha's the responsible one, Gabriel's the funny one and I'm the smart one. Well evidently not any more. Oh, and yes, if you're wondering I do have 5 siblings.
And it was Quiche. He's so annoying. I'm going to copy and paste our convo, because I feel annoyed at him.

Quiche to ME how was elf school?
ME to Quiche really good
ME to Quiche I learnt a new special elf dance today
ME to Quiche apparently it has magical properties to make people sneeze
ME to Quiche well awesome
Quiche to ME wicked
Quiche to ME you have to show me sometime
ME to Quiche will do
Quiche to ME on that note, when are you staying with your sister again!?! :P
ME to Quiche haha
ME to Quiche I'm not
ME to Quiche she's moving in a bit
ME to Quiche i told u that
Quiche to ME so? :P
ME to Quiche so? she's moving...
Quiche to ME so? go now then
Quiche to ME haha :D
ME to Quiche I can't! I have school!
ME to Quiche We could meet up or something in easter holidays though maybe
Quiche to ME school!?! youve given me the impression that you skive all the time!

*Ok - just to say I've cut out an irrelivant chunk in which Quiche tells me off for skiving off my lessons and we argue about that a bit...*




ME to Quiche what are u, my mother?
Quiche to ME i hope not
Quiche to ME otherwise the situation would be very awkward
Quiche to ME and history would prove to be slightly incestuous
ME to Quiche incest?
ME to Quiche family kiss...
ME to Quiche haha
ME to Quiche actually I've just reconsidered my pint
ME to Quiche *point
Quiche to ME what was that?
ME to Quiche nm
Quiche to ME no, tell me, please
ME to Quiche haha no i was arguing with myself
Quiche to ME well share it with the group
Quiche to ME ok, just me
ME to Quiche haha, no seriously I was gabbeling
Quiche to ME hmm
ME to Quiche if that's a word
ME to Quiche anyways Mr Quiche, if we are to meet up again it is to be strictly as friends ok?
Quiche to ME urm, ok
Quiche to ME any reason why you bring that up now?
ME to Quiche yes, because I'm no good about this sort of thing, and I don't want to have to worry about giving like...I dunno the wrong messages...I dunno..sorry am I being presumptuous?
Quiche to ME well, you had said before, i just thought something had changed
ME to Quiche really?
ME to Quiche gahh...
Quiche to ME actually, maybe it would be better if we didnt meet up? :S no matter how useless you are at this, im worse!
ME to Quiche haha um ok
Quiche to ME ach
ME to Quiche i doubt that though
Quiche to ME oh i wouldnt
ME to Quiche ^o)
Quiche to ME what?
ME to Quiche I mean come on. This is me. I have to be the worst person for this like emotions and that, that most people know
Quiche to ME youve had what can be defined as relationships, i havent
ME to Quiche please! I hardly have relationships. I just like...get used really. I've never had any sort of "relationship" for over two monthes
Quiche to ME oooh, two months
ME to Quiche I have a tendancy for things not to work
Quiche to ME meh
ME to Quiche haha...how hate meh...
Quiche to ME you what?
Quiche to ME oh, sorry
ME to Quiche haha
ME to Quiche i was kidding
ME to Quiche ok I feel like well awkward now
Quiche to ME haha, why?
ME to Quiche I dunno
Quiche to ME haha
Quiche to ME then why are you feeling awkward?
ME to Quiche i dunno. Like I thought we were getting like good friends and that, but u thought things had changed...I dunno ugh
Quiche to ME no, i didnt
Quiche to ME well, i dont think i did
ME to Quiche u said u did up there!
ME to Quiche Quiche says: well, you had said before, i just thought something had changed
Quiche to ME a while back, we both agreed that nothing was gonna happen
ME to Quiche yeah
ME to Quiche and that's how it was settled in my mind
Quiche to ME same here
ME to Quiche good
Quiche to ME haha
ME to Quiche then what were u even on about
ME to Quiche that we shouldn't meet up?
Quiche to ME i dunno
Quiche to ME haha
Quiche to ME and on that note, im off
ME to Quiche :S
ME to Quiche ok


Yeah - I don't know wtf he was on about either...gahhh Boys are annoying! I really want a boyfriend at the moment, because I get all horny and restless and ridiculous if I don't have anyone to diffuse me a bit, but Quiche is now right off my good list. I don't mean to speak to him for a good long time now!
hrmmm. There are no especially cute guys at college atm. I guess I'll just have to wait for the up-and-coming drunken times to induce some men upon me. They usually do.

Oh and as if this entry isn't as random and disjointed as it can possibly be, I'd like to say that I'm in love with the band Art Brut right now. Eddie Argos is a beautiful genius of an ugly guy. He's wonderful.
Gah.
I'll try to tidy up all the loose ends from this entry up later...
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It may be said that I am not a fan of moderation.

I don't really do moderation.

I don't particularly like moderation.

In fact, as far as I'm concerned, life is much too short for moderation. I mean if we're going to die anyway, what's the point of preserving our selves, just so we will have longer to live miserable existences as old disabled pickled prunes? I really don't understand it.
In fact the only real thing in life that makes much sense to me at the moment is the words of this man, right here.


Seriously he's a genius of our time. Have a read here of these lyrics...

"If we are here not to do
What you and I wanna do
And go forever crazy with it
Why the hell are we even here?

There was never any good old days
They are today, they are tomorrow
It's a stupid thing we say
Cursing tomorrow with sorrow

Steppin' on the trail of Ultimate
I would never choose to die
so give me rest of all the secrets
give me new culture of life"

I think it's ridiculous - everyone's always sprouting out bullshit like "Live like there's no tomorrow, Love like you've never been hurt, Dance like no one' watching" and “Dream as if you'll live forever. Live as if you'll die today.”, and I mean fair do's to James Dean, who said the second quote, but most people NEVER apply this really.
They don't.
They think "Ohh that sounds nice, maybe I'll quote it on my myspace, so people see what an open mind I have"
It's bullshit. Everyone nowadays are scared of what other people think of them. They don't always say what they think and do what they want because they're scared people will laugh at them.
That man up there, Mr Eugene Hutz get's laughed at all the time, I mean, for godsake, he's a skinny mustachioed Ukrainian gypsy-punk, of course he gets stared and laughed at, but he laughs and dances and crowd-surfs on drums and walks around in stiletto’s all the same.
And I can't stand it when people are snide about this sort of thing. It's much easier to be critical of someone doing something bazaar and original while it's still fresh then to suddenly think they're awesome as soon as all your friends do, rather than making yourself vulnerable to, standing up for something you really believe in and growing a pair.
I don't like the idea having a big career either. I mean sure I'd like to be rich, but if that means slaving my guts out and wasting the precious time I have, when I could be out having absolutely amazing mind-blowingly fun and awesome experiences, what's the point. It's a cliché but money doesn’t buy happiness. It really doesn't.
Without my friends and family and love I'd be freaking no where. I mean don't get me wrong, money is good, but as far as I'm concerned, as long as I've got enough for some new clothes every once in a while, a roof over my head, some food in my tummy and perhaps also fair amounts of alcohol, I really do believe I'd be satisfied. I can get jobs, I can save money when I want to get nice things or go somewhere in particular.
I mean I tried the normal way, I swear to you I tried it. For years I tried it. I did what other people wanted, what I thought I should be doing as opposed to what made me happy, before sinking into a series of various stages of depression, and almost driving myself fuckin mad.
And so now I do what I want. I want to be a singer and I do that. Not professionally yet of course, but I believe in myself enough to see it as an actual possibility.
When I want to skank with my friends in public I will do it.
When I want to cry, that's what I do and I find that it is possible to say what I think while keeping some tact. Well just a little bit.
I dunno. I don't really understand religion. I was brought up a Roman Catholic, which probably fucked with my head one way or another. I'm not sure I really buy it nowadays, which seemed a shame at first, I mean, everyone needs something to believe in, so I have to say I was more than relieved when I found my gypsy morals and discovered Mr Hutz's Supertheory of Supereverything.
I mean, tbh, I don't know a lot, I'm apparently in the "Top 10%" in Britain, for getting 8 A's at GCSE, but I can accept that I really have very little common sense, but one thing that does make sense is enjoying however much life your given, rather than sitting round complaining about it all the time.

ahhhh
Rant over.

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Back from Quiche's hemisphere of the world to the charming little Soiley-hill. How I hate it. To die here or get married here or live anywhere near here after the age of 22 will mean I have ultimately failed at living any sort of interesting life.
I actually hate suburbs a bit.
I've started a new painting. I'm so happy. In my master sketch book at the moment there are only 3 drawings, with two of them finished perfectly, which means that this can't be just any scribble. Like this particularly amusing one for example:

...no no, this one going into the master sketchbook is in a whole other league to tap-dancing crocadiles. It's going to mean something and feel something and it will be just beautiful. I can't wait.
Gahh as for Quiche, he does fancy me. And I think he maybe might want to go out with me...hrmm..but now I'm not sure I do... ugh...it would appear that subconcoiusly I just don't like being happy. Quiche is like a god-send. He's genuine and good and nice and funny and he's always been there for me. Like literally. Both times I was cheated on, through all the drama and tears on my entering the world of groupie-hood, and had to hear about my every insecurity and worry all the way, and he just sort of stuck around. What's wrong with me?
I mean he's not very cool. Maybe that's it. Well he's not a geek. And he has good taste in music. I mean, he's more of a mod than a rocker or emo or weirdo or anything of the usual I'm attracted to.
I actually am only attracted to weirdo's. It's bizaar. My taste in men is quite horrendous, even I can accept that.
I mean just look at the celebrity men I'm head over heels for:



<-- That's Eugine Hutz, lead singer of Gogol Bordello. He is actually my God. If this man told me to leave my home and family and come make party with him in Ukrain, or where ever he wants, I'd do it in an eyeblink. I love him.



<-- That's right, the Safety Dance guy. I adore him. I think he's so beautiful. <3<3<3 He's just wonderful. Only back in the day though of course. When he was young and pretty.



<-- Ok. This man is actually like almost shorter than me, and has legs like broomsticks and hair like a lady and a generally weird looking face, but I absolutely adore Noel Fielding. I think he's the most beautiful guy ever. He shouldn't be pretty at all but all his odd features sort of all come together to make this perfect little picture of amazingness.

...well yeah...I think my bad taste has been relevantly demonstrated...
If only Quiche would have dreadlocks or a Mohawk or something a bit odd about him...you would hear no end of how amazing he was. I recon it's a confidence thing. A freedom thing. A slight-madness thing. I guess Quiche is pretty level-headed - he dosn't do drugs or sleep around or play music a musical intrument - there's the sex, drugs and rock'n'roll right out the window for you. He's just very very nice.
Gah. I'm a bitch.
That's what I am.
I'll talk to my close friend (codename: Cake) and see what she makes of this whole thing. She understands best how I tick, and will probably know best.
Hehe, I think all the codenames used are going to be some form of food!
Gah...I'm off to bed.
Night all.

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Yes indeed, I got drunk and explained. Among a couple of other things :D - but nothing bad. I'll have you know I was very very very well behaved!
Well I still said and did stupid things. Most of the contents of the night was people laughing at me - not in a mean way, in a slightly affectionate, embarrassed on my behalf way.

Like I told everyone about the "I am the walrus" and "The Okey Cokey" remix I was making...haha It's the most ingenious idea ever. The chorus goes:
"Woooooooaaaaahhh! We are the eggmen!
Wooooooooaaaahhhh! I am the eggman!
Wooooooooaaaahhhhh! I am the walrus! Ra ra ra!


About that guy (...gah, I can't keep calling him that. I'll have to give him a code name, since I don't want him to read this and know I keep a blog. Or that I write about him in it :/ Lets call him codename: Quiche) well erm yeah. I would guess he still fancies me. Haha, we talked about music and emo's and winkle pickers and debated over exactly what defines a pillow from a cushion, and decided the ones on that particular sofa were cushllows.
Hmm.. though whether he actually wants to go out with me is another matter entirely. See, we do live pretty far away, but I can do semi long-distance relationships! I think :S I'm not sure yet.

Haha, while I was sleeping on him, I had this freaky freaky nightmare where the plastic fairy from the chandelier-like light hanging in my room at home, was moving violently and emitting goblin-like sounds in a scary manner indeed - I woke up in a right fright. God, I hope I didn't talk in my sleep. :/ hehe or drool on him :D

Anyway, cos I'm staying with my sister in his hemisphere of the world for a couple of days I might see him soon. And we shall see.

Oh god! From the drunken haze, I just remembered that I told him about Numpty-La!
Right...now some of you might know Numpty-La as a little hippy shop that sells wooden statues and bongs and hemp-bags and the like, but this you'll find that this is infact a covering operation so that the real Numpty-La won't be discovered. You see, Numpty-La is in fact a magical school for elves. You learn lessons of magical-flute-playing and Elf dancing, and wish granting and toy making and the like. I made a PowerPoint presentation for it and everything! And there's a school song! I'll see if I can't upload them sometime!
Hmm there is a height restriction too - luckily I still got in, cos despite at that point being 6'2 (the height restriction is 5'0) I found a loophole in the system! hmm - you know was in ancient china people used to bind their feet. Well larger than average elves bind themselves. To make themselves smaller.
Here's a pic of myself while I was binding:
" border=0>

Anyway, the loophole is that if you sign an agreement that you'll bind yourself for the entirity of your time at Numpty-La, you're allowed to go there, however you can only graduate after you've got to 5'0 or under - I'm a Numpty-La dropout you see. I got to 5'9 and got sick of it. Fascist barstads. They're sizist damnit...
Haha...no. I don't think Quiche will want to go out with me either.

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I love the Buzzcocks so very very much. If the heading to this Blog is lost on you then nevermind. Maybe go somewhere else. And while your at it go listen to "I look alone" by the Buzzcocks. OooOOoohhh and "Are everything". That song is the absolute zex.

Anyways as the song quite accurately says:
"I am alone there's nobody there
I have some time to spare
Whenever I feel this way"

And so I thought instead of being horribly grumpy and driving my mom into the same state of depression she finds me, I've decided to start a blog, though tbh, I'm not 100% on what that entails. It's like a crazy diary which thousands of people you don't know - and worse, many of the people you do know, have access too. It's a terribly self-conscious document.

I'll try not to be so. I'm quite happy to appear a fool in most of my real life, why not here too. At least I have a chance to express myself here. And I value self-expression very highly. Along with my hats and Ghost perfume. Despite it being named stupidly. Why would I want to smell like a ghost? Ahaha - it's not as bad as Alien...



...I'm sorry but I really don't understand their advertising scheme. At all. Why would I want to smell like an Alien. Or look like her while smelling like an Alien?
I can just see it now...



Anyhow, back to the Buzzcocks song, where it does in fact go wrong is the chorus which trills:
"Oh today is beautiful
Tomorrow's beautiful
Everything's beautiful "
Which frankly I cannot at the moment apply to my life at the moment. I mean I won't be an asshole and go on about how crap it is etc. when I am indeed a pretty fortunate teenager living in a middle class family, with a job, and friends, and prospects and all my limbs, however I assure you things have been much better and right now I'm feeling very hard done by. Right now is really not beautiful at all, in my life. Maybe Saturday will be beautiful. I mean I know the day wont.
I'm working and I HATE working. Not even in general. Just my work.
See I work at Solihull Library, which is absolute bollocks. I hate it. The staff are Nazi's (apart from the other Saturday assistants.. :p) with their little Library-hierarchy system, which basically looks like this...

Yeah...so basically everyone hates us. And bosses us around and tells us what to do. If there could be a step lower, I'd be on that one too. They hate me especially because I wear converse and black nail varnish and take out all the decent CD's.
Anyways, the point of the initial comment was there's a party Saturday, and a guy who I quite like is going. Well I don't really know how much I like him really... hmm. We hooked up before, but I was sort of already interested in someone else, which was frankly just bad timing on his part.
Gahh...ugh and I've been using him as a guy-friend since, which means he's mostly on the receiving end of my pathetic excuse of a love life, with story after story of that absolute idiot I end up liking.
Gahh...maybe it won't be beautiful after all. I doubt he fancies me anymore. It's just that I've thought about it, and now I recon I really would actually like to properly go out with someone, as opposed to just hooking up, and he probably won't now!
- I only didn't pick him before because he lived to far away! But I'm more mature now! I've changed!
Maybe I'll get drunk and explain. In fact I'll most likely get drunk and explain, however since I've not been stupidly drunk in quite a while now, I feel quite justified to do so.

Gahh - it's late and I'm up at 6 tomorrow...how I hate College without the P!MP's... (they're the 'Performance Media Package' Kids) - they've all been away in Paris, and I've missed them terribly, which is mostly why I'm so grumpy. As well as the fact that Al-Mcal is being a tit right now. Gahh, I'll have a rant about her later.
But now goodnight.

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